Communication – the relationship’s engine

Ann feels sad that Peter never talks. She wishes he would share his feelings more. Meanwhile, Peter believes he’s making Ann happy by working in her greenhouse, showing his affection through his actions.

From childhood, we learn how to express ourselves and when it might be better to hold back. Our own style of communication feels so natural that we often don’t even notice it – until we encounter someone whose style is markedly different.

Communication aims to enhance understanding, transfer information, and exchange feelings. It’s not just about talking; it’s also about silence, gestures, emotional expression, and deeds. To truly understand each other, a mix of these elements is essential. Words alone can fall short without action, but actions also need words to be fully understood.

During the early stages of a love relationship, communication feels easy enough. Your lover is wonderful. You feel intimately connected, and even silence feels comfortable. But as time passes, you and your relationship evolve. Effective communication allows you to discover new facets of your partner throughout your journey together. Therefore, ask yourself: Are my words and tone inviting to my partner? And am I listening in a way that encourages them to open up?

Dissatisfaction can be a good sign.

We often fall into the trap of thinking our spouse shares our mindset. Our expectations are shaped by our personal experiences. For instance, we might think, ‘If we’re hosting guests, we plan together, stay present, and offer a meal.’ But what if your partner is used to an open-door policy, where guests pop by without notice, life goes on as usual, and perhaps everyone simply enjoys a quick coffee?

Misunderstandings may arise if you don’t discuss your expectations. One might wonder, ‘Why this sudden commotion? I’ve got work to do and no time to sit,’ while the other could take offence, thinking, ‘That’s so rude! Are you upset? Don’t you like my friends?’

Both approaches are valid; neither is inherently wrong. We interpret situations through the lens of our personal histories. Sometimes, our differences can seem immense. Could what’s different in the other feel threatening or odd? What does it mean for us to be individuals with our own peculiarities?

Clearing up expectations and coming to an understanding with your partner can help elude conflicts. In a love relationship, discussions can lead to compromises that might not be perfect for either person but are workable for both. A compromise that leaves both parties slightly dissatisfied can often signify a fair solution.

When the engine heats up, it’s best to argue constructively.

• Reflect on your argument: Should you try to avoid it? Is it a bad thing, or could you turn it into something positive?
• What arguing style have you grown up with? Do you wish to continue that pattern?
• Use ‘I’ statements to express your thoughts and feelings.
• Focus on listening to the other’s viewpoint.
• Aim for mutual understanding rather than trying to ‘win’ the argument.
• Be open and truthful in your communication.
• Avoid blaming with phrases like ‘You always…’ and ‘You never…’.
• Stick to the current facts and situation. Bringing up the past is like trying to drive forward while in reverse.
• Avoid making insinuations or grumbling.
• If tensions rise, take a break and revisit the conversation later: ‘Let’s take a break and talk about this later.’
• If shouting matches are common, ask yourself what this signifies. Is the gap between you growing? Do you feel unheard unless the volume is up?
• Remember, the goal isn’t to always agree in the future but to learn to hear, respect, and understand each other’s differing views.
• Question what matters more: being happy or being right?
• After a dispute, especially if children are around, make amends in front of them.
• Think about the root of the quarrel. Could there be a different way to express anger, disappointment, or sadness?
• Reconnect and cherish your relationship.

How do you communicate during a car journey? What’s your behaviour like?

- Who prefers driving? How do you decide who takes the wheel?

- What’s the dynamic when one tries to direct from the passenger seat? How does it sound when you do this?

- How do you react if you’re ‘in the backseat’ in your relationship?

- Who’s stricter in following the traffic rules? Have you discussed and agreed upon ‘traffic rules’ for your relationship?

- Who tends to get heated quickly? Can you both express your emotions freely and comfortably?

- How do you share the responsibilities of your car upkeep? Do you stick to established roles, or is there room for change and acceptance of different approaches?

- Who’s more alert to issues like strange noises from the car? Does your partner communicate and acknowledge concerns? How do you raise such issues?

- Who’s more comfortable running on a nearly empty tank, and what does that say about the trust and risk-taking in your relationship? How full is your tank? What risks do you take? Have you set boundaries?

- Who’s more likely to brake suddenly, and why? Have you explored the reasons?

- Who tends to speed, and can the other keep pace? Is there room for more cautious decision-making and thought processes


Practice exercise:

Draw a house by following your partner’s directions. Then, switch roles. Reflect on how well you listened and followed instructions. Was the outcome as directed, or did you go your own way?

How was the experience of giving and listening to instructions? Did you have fun together or get frustrated? Were the instructions enjoyable to give and listen to?

Experiment with different communication methods:

- Try casual touches for a week, pat lightly in passing, and see what happens.

- Choose a song that resonates with you, your relationship, or your everyday life now. Share why.

- Play each other songs that mean a lot to you.

- Write a love letter.

- Take turns reading a book aloud to each other.


Turn on the car radio – shared exercise

- Both of you pick a piece of music that reflects the current state of your intimacy or what you aspire it to be.

- Choose a moment and a place where you won’t be disturbed. Silence your mobiles.

- Play your selected tunes for each other, listening attentively and without interruption. Allow the music to speak for you.

- Afterwards, let the person who didn’t choose the song share their feelings and thoughts that the music inspired.

- Then, the one who picked the song explains their choice and the message they hoped to convey.

- Finally, switch and repeat the exercise from the other’s perspective.