Oil for the engine – sexuality and intimacy

- We don’t have enough sex.

- We don’t really talk much, either.

The heart of a loving relationship is the bond between two unique people. This bond is the oil that ensures the relationship runs smoothly. It’s multifaceted; at best, it’s a deep sense of unity. Eye contact, touch, and communication are vital in nurturing this bond. Sex is one of the most intense expressions of this connection. Just as a car needs oil, a relationship needs regular attention and care to keep this connection alive.

Physical intimacy isn’t just about sex; it includes everything from a simple touch to a hug. Everyday gestures, like a kiss goodbye or a welcome home embrace, are the small things that keep a relationship strong through daily life. Regular, tender contact can significantly enhance quality of life. Maintaining the habit of touch is crucial, even when sex isn’t an option. Losing touch can mean drifting apart.

A romantic partnership’s intimacy has both psychological and physical aspects. You build emotional closeness by communicating and sharing thoughts and emotions. Revealing your inner self lets your partner into your world, which is why new relationships often involve deep conversations. To maintain this emotional closeness, you must keep each other updated on your lives, thoughts, fears, and hopes. Feeling heard and understood by your partner heightens intimacy. When conversation dwindles, misunderstandings and negative assumptions can creep in.

‘I’s and ‘We’

As children, we learn how to be close with others and how to give and receive touch. Partners may come to a relationship with very different understandings of what intimacy is. A secure and loving relationship presents a chance to explore and adopt new ways of being close to one another.

Finding the right balance between togetherness and independence is a cornerstone of any romantic relationship. Both elements are essential in healthy measures – neither should be overwhelming or lacking. Independence means carrying your own weight and fostering personal thoughts, emotions, and desires. It’s about having your own studies, job, pastimes, passions, family, and circle of friends.

Being independent is not the same as being emotionally distant. Too little independence might leave you feeling smothered, prompting a desire for space. Too much might lead to feeling disconnected. In a relationship, both the collective ‘We’ and the individual ‘I’s need their space to flourish. The ‘We’ blossoms with closeness, while the ‘I’ prospers with the right amount of autonomy. The delicate balance between these varies over different life stages and within the dynamics of the relationship itself.

Sex is the adhesive of a relationship.

Our sexuality is a fundamental part of our human existence from conception to our final moment. It encompasses more than just the act of sex. – It’s about energy, identity, and how we engage with the world, ourselves, and others.

At its best, sex acts as the adhesive that keeps partners together. It’s a private sanctuary for adults, a world apart from children and the outside. The quality of a couple’s sex life influences other parts of their relationship and vice versa. Disappointment, hurt, or frustration can diminish the desire for physical closeness. Therefore, enhancing communication skills is crucial, as it can lead to greater sexual fulfilment.

We all differ in our sexual energy, arousal, and what we desire or need. Expectations around sexual intimacy can vary, not just between partners but also from day to day or at different times. These differences can be a source of excitement and attraction.

Enjoying sex means being able to let go with each other, which is why feeling safe is so important. Mutual respect and clear boundaries are key. Intimacy is only enjoyable when it’s safe, consensual, and controlled.

Trust issues in the relationship can make one hesitant about sex. Stress, worry, grief, past traumas, health concerns, the need for personal space, or relationship troubles can all play a role. It’s normal for sex to take a back seat at times when life gets hectic, like with a new baby or job. Issues around infertility can also impact your sex life, sometimes long after the event.

Throttle or brake?

Feeling accepted and desired is at the heart of a loving relationship, so when a partner rejects us, it can hit hard and damage our self-worth.

For sexual desire to truly spark, you need space. If one partner consistently wants more and the other less, the latter doesn’t get the chance for their own desire to awaken, leaving the former feeling undesired.

Rejecting a partner is tough. Sometimes, it’s easier to go along with something even if you don’t want to than to deal with their disappointment. When you say no, you might struggle with feeling inadequate or fear rejection yourself.

A fulfilling sex life for both

True surrender in intimacy is only possible with mutual trust. Where there is doubt, insecurities rise, pushing partners away from closeness towards distance. In a secure environment, eroticism can thrive. A bit of independence, personal boundaries, and a healthy self-focus can improve sexual satisfaction.

Our most profound joy and vulnerability lie in the same intimate space. It’s vital, therefore, to always approach each other’s sexuality and bodies with respect.

A satisfying sex life is like a luxury car seat, enhancing the journey with comfort and extras. But what turns the trip into something more?

Navigation through dry seasons

It’s natural for relationships to go through phases, including quieter times sexually. Could open communication help navigate through these periods?

Questions to stimulate reflection and discussion:

- Reflect on how your relationship began. Was there passion or something then that you miss now? Have there been other quiet seasons before? What triggered them? How were they resolved?

- How does the current situation affect you and your partner? Who is more troubled by it?

- Assess your relationship outside of sex. What creates distance between you, and in what measure? Lack of time, arguments, indifference, or non-confrontation? What creates closeness? Time together, thoughtfulness, or expressions of love?

- What external factors are impacting your life right now?

- What efforts have you made individually and together to address the issue? What might happen if nothing changes?

- Can you accept that life’s demands are high right now and find satisfaction in small, shared moments of connection, like relaxing together on the couch? If so, make sure not to neglect physical contact.

Reluctance – when the engine does not start

Reflect on these questions by yourself:

- Would you like the engine to start, but it just won’t? In other words, do you wish to feel desire, but it seems elusive?

- Or don’t you simply want to press the ignition button? Are you hesitant to initiate sexual intimacy? Would you currently prefer a life without it?

- Is your reluctance directed specifically towards your partner, or is it towards sex and intimacy in general?

- Is there something in your life consuming all your focus and energy?

- How content or discontent are you with your relationship?

- What do you feel towards your partner? Would you like to be closer or have more space?

- Identify what you’re resisting.

- Consider what your hesitance is trying to communicate to you personally.

Individual and shared exercises

Self-assessment questions:

- What kind of intimacy do you enjoy?

- What kind of intimacy does your partner relish?

- What do you desire more of in your relationship: sex, affection, kindness, conversation, or something else entirely?

- What do you think your partner desires most?

- When did you last make physical contact with your partner?

- Are you aware of how your partner likes to be touched?

- Do you feel a sense of trust and safety in every aspect of your relationship?

- When do you feel a deep connection with your partner?

- How do you maintain contact?

Connecting in silence – a shared exercise

Sometimes, the most meaningful connections can get buried under a pile of words. However, silence may reveal what is often lost in the noise of daily life and reconnect you and your partner as you hold each other and look each other in the eye.

- Set aside time in a place with minimal interruptions. Silence your phones.
- Sit comfortably face to face.
- Start a timer for 1 minute.
- Hold each other’s hands and focus on the feeling. If it feels right, look each other in the eye.
- Once the timer goes off, share your thoughts, emotions, or any memories or images that surfaced during the moment.

Accepting touch – a shared exercise

This activity is about exploring a type of touch that is loving and free of demands, aimed at showing love and appreciation.

-      Find a peaceful moment and space for just the two of you. Silence your phones.
-      Take turns to express what you admire about each other’s body.
-      Listen without objection or denial.
-      Then, with kindness and respect, gently and thoughtfully touch each other.
-      The focus should be on listening intently. Refrain from negating what the other person says.
-      When it’s your turn to touch, do so softly and with reverence, communicating acceptance and affection through your gesture.

(adapted from the book Falck-Ruotsalainen: Uusi suhde – rakkaus kypsässä iässä (A new relationship – love at a mature age))

Read more:

Aavaluoma: Elämä suhteelliSeksi. Kirjoituksia psykoseksuaalisuudesta. (Life in relation to Sex. Writings on psychosexuality.) Suhteessa

Airaksinen: Himon ilo. Ajatuksia seksistä ja seksuaalisuudesta. (The joy of lust. Thoughts on sex and sexuality.) Bazar.

Kontula: Mielen seksuaalisuus. Matka kiihottumisen alkulähteille. (The sexuality of the mind. A journey to the springs of arousal.) Duodecim.

Kallio – Jussila: Syvyyttä seksiin. Kohti elävämpää seksuaalisuutta. (Sex with depth. Towards a livelier sexuality.) Minerva.

Kallio – Kontula: Happy end. WSOY.

Oulasmaa – Riikonen: Sexfullness. Yhdessä jaettu nautinto. (Sexfullness. Pleasure shared together.) Docondo.

Pruuki – Timoria – Väätäinen: Pari suhteessa. Tunne itsesi, uskalla rakastaa. (A couple in a relationship. Know yourself, dare to love.) Otava.

Tanskanen: Parempaa seksiä. (Better sex.) Tammi.

Listen to:

• Ismo Alanko: Mikrokosmos (Microcosm)
• Pepe Willberg: Hyväile minua hiljaa  (Fondle me quietly)
• Antti Tuisku: Hanuri (Accordion)
• Zen Cafe: Rakastele mua (Make love to me)
• Juice Leskinen: Pyhä toimitus (Holy ceremony)
• Kasmir: Iholla (On the skin)
• Vuokko Hovatta: Viisi sormea (Five fingers)
• Happoradio: Ikävä ihollesi (Yearning for your skin)
• Lauri Tähkä: Polte (Burning)
• Kiss: I Was Made For Lovin You
• Johanna Kurkela: Sinä nukut siinä (You sleep there)
• Ville Valo & Agents: Mä haluan sun (I want you)
• Vuokko Hovatta Kolmisin: Pysykää sängyssä sunnuntaisin (Stay in bed on Sundays)
• Juha Tapio: Olen tahtonut sinut (I have wanted you)
• Tuure Kilpeläinen & Kaihon Karavaani: Rakkaudella on nälkä (Love is hungry)
• Emma Salokoski: Veden alla (Under water)