Everyday love – the relationship’s Grand Prix

A young couple preparing to get married met with the priest. When asked why they were getting married, the groom answered: Because our day-to-day life runs so wonderfully.

An all-inclusive holiday seldom causes stress. When you get out of the pool, you can sit down right away at the dining table set by a waiter or lie down on the bed made by the housekeeper. But daily life is where the real challenge lies, filled with routine and ordinary moments. How does your day-to-day come along at home? Is it like a strenuous climb in an old Fiat in urgent need of service or like a relaxing Sunday drive in a freshly serviced Tesla?

Family counsellors often hear clients emphasise extremes in everyday life. There is always too little of something and too much of something else. There is often a lack of money, time, and enthusiastic homemakers. But there is plenty of laundry, bills, and hobbies.

Time treats us all equally: We all have 24 hours every day. That is enough for some things,  but getting everything done is simply impossible.

Who’s the ‘know-it-all’ in your relationship?

In a relationship, deciding whose ways prevail can be controversial. Even fairly small things can cause friction: How to make minced meat sauce? What route to take when visiting relatives?

Each may have personal reasons to think that only their way of doing things is right. Often, we meet an exhausted spouse in our office who feels they are running all the daily routines and chores and doing all the meta-work while the other settles for a lot less.

Maybe one has managed the household for ages, fine-tuning routines and patterns, but the result doesn’t fit the other. Or you have brought a load of models from your childhood family, assuming that is how things should be done.

Here, ask yourself: Can I trust my partner’s methods? Are you patient, or do you micromanage? How do you communicate when correcting them? Like a parent correcting a child? What’s your partner’s role in your life? Are you making fun of the way they do things? Do you sound tense, obnoxious, or snappy?

Improving task-sharing starts with truthful self-reflection. Are you trying to control everything and everybody? How do you cope with different standards of cleanliness?

Meta-work is not rocket science.

Ask yourself: What is your partner better at than you? Do they know you value that? Fortunately, we are all different and complement each other. One has the energy to clean the windows, while the other remembers dentist appointments. Acknowledging daily efforts can make a big difference. You may wonder why you should say thank you: ‘Wow, you did a good job,’ when no one thanks you. Perhaps you get what you ask for; appreciating the good can encourage more of it.

Meta-work, those recurring family tasks, is not rocket science. It’s not inherited as part of your DNA; It’s just part of family life. It often follows a fixed annual cycle and can be marked on a family calendar, whether Christmas presents, birthdays, doctors, or buying new sneakers.

Every couple at our Family Counselling Centre talks about their hopes and needs and what wears them out.

The impact of daily routine on your sex life

Many couples hope to sync their daily tasks. Striving for a fair split of work is sensible. Yet, dividing chores with mathematical precision can lead to more stress. Ask yourself, is there trust enough in your relationship for one to shoulder more burden when the other is having a tough time without keeping score? Or is one always looking for a free ride? How does that feel?

Sexual desire, or its absence, often correlates with how smoothly daily life is running. If you’re feeling more like a household servant than a cherished partner, intimacy is likely the last thing on your mind. However, if you both feel like partners sweating alongside each other and braving life’s challenges together, intimacy can flourish.

Nurture your relationship during your peak years by giving each other time for individual activities. If you can manage today, I can have my turn tomorrow. Remember, even on the longest trips, it’s wise to take turns at the wheel.

Thoughts to navigate you through your daily life:

Samuli Putro's song Älkää unohtako toisianne (Don't forget each other)

Eve Hietamies’ books Yösyöttö (Night feed), Tarhapäivä (Day at the garden), Hammaskeiju (Tooth fairy), and Numeroruuhka (Number congestion)

Vanhemman kiukkukirja (Parent's tantrum book), Nurmi-Pruuki

Family film Yes Day

Bonusperhe (The bonus family) TV series

Cartoon Sankariperhe (Family of heroes)

Thought-provoking (family) blogs include e.g. Kolmistaan (The three of them), Juliaihminen (Julia person), and Lähiömutsi (Suburban mum)

Reflect:

- Consider what a good way of day-to-day living looks like for you. Are you currently living this way?

- How do you handle life’s imperfections?

- For parents, ponder the idea: ‘Your daily life forms your children’s childhood’. What kind of childhood are you giving your children? What memories and legacies do you want to leave them?

Exercises:

- Evaluate your satisfaction with daily life. What changes do you desire, and over what period can you achieve them? Who might assist in this process?

- Gather with all who use the same fridge as you and discuss what works well in your daily life. Share each person’s hopes, wishes, and desires for change. Do you spend enough free time together? Consider whether all have adequate free time and personal space and you’re happy with the distribution of finances and chores.

- Acknowledge different paces and preferences in your relationship. One may be quick and social, the other more contemplative and solitary. Can you find value in these differences?

- Who tends to have the final say? Who sets the tempo for activities?

- Couples often reminisce about all the wonderful things they did together in ‘the good old days’ before children or demanding jobs. If you feel stuck, you might start wondering why you are still together. Then, challenge yourselves to rediscover what brought you together. What activities can you revisit to reconnect?

Could any of these suggestions enhance your relationship?

- Set aside a regular time for just the two of you, like a Friday evening for tea, foot massages, and a long chat.

- Take turns remembering your relationship’s anniversary. ‘I remember our anniversary; now you come up with some ideas for a Christmas party.’

- Ensure each partner is free to go and pursue their own interests on a regular basis.

Would any of these fit your family?

- Engage the whole family in weekly cleaning with everyone contributing. Reward yourselves with a film night and pizza.

- Streamline household tasks. Alternate Saturdays for washing sheets and towels. If someone craves special food, let them go and buy it or use home delivery. Prepare meals in bulk on Sundays to serve time in the week ahead.

- Plan in advance who can stay home on any given day if your child falls ill.

- Keep a calendar, digital or physical, for all appointments and activities. Make sure everyone knows the schedule, but stay flexible for unforeseen changes.

- Implement a four-week rotating menu. Let each person choose a favourite meal. Quick options like spinach crêpes for busy days and elaborate ones like casseroles for the weekend can be part of the plan. Not all food needs to be organic and homemade. Convenience foods are fine sometimes. Alternatively, let each person plan meals for an entire week.

- Reflect on family traditions that you hope your children will carry on. Is it pizza on Fridays or a Saturday routine of cleaning, watching a film, and visiting the sauna? Children love routines and recurring things that help them understand the passing of time.

- Post a chore list on the fridge. It’s a guide for everyone and will be appreciated by future in-laws.

- Review your spending together. Set a family savings goal and decide where to cut back. Discuss whether household chores are a shared duty or if children can earn pocket money or playtime in exchange.

- Consider if there are too many pastime activities. Look at the logistics of transporting children to their activities and explore alternatives.

- Learn to ask for help. Could you create a carpool rota for children’s activities and take turns taking them to school?

- See if your family can offer help to others.

- Practice gratitude by sharing the best part of everyone’s day at the dinner table.

- Think about holding a weekly family meeting to discuss upcoming events and any other issues.